When Marriages Falter and Conflicts Flare, Counselling and Couple Programmes Offer a Way Forward
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Stronger marriages build stronger families, and timely support through counselling or enrichment programmes helps couples overcome communication breakdowns, deepen understanding, and restore emotional connection.
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Once stigmatised, couples counselling is now increasingly accepted as more couples recognise its effectiveness in improving communication, resolving conflict, and rekindling emotional connection.
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Early intervention matters – seeking help before issues escalate prevents entrenched conflict patterns and improves chances of marital recovery and resilience.
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When couples grow together, families thrive, creating nurturing home environments that foster emotional security and positive values for the next generation.
When Ethan* told his wife, Chloe*, that he had informed his boss of his decision to resign from his stressful job, her immediate reaction was one of concern. With a two-year-old to care for, Chloe’s anxiety about their finances spilled out in a flurry of worried questions about what would come next.
“It escalated into a big argument,” recalled Ethan. “We didn’t have a healthy way to talk about things, so it became unconstructive and eventually blew up. I didn’t know how to process the overwhelming emotions and ended up completely stonewalling her for two weeks.” It was the longest silence he had ever given his wife, he added, “but when the word ‘divorce’ started coming up, I knew we needed help – it felt like an emergency.”
An online search led Ethan to the Strengthening Families Programme (Methodist Welfare Services) (FAM (MWS))*, which supports individuals and families navigating challenges through counselling and divorce support.
Where it all began
Through counselling sessions with FAM (MWS) social worker Kartik Anand, Ethan and Chloe discovered that his tendency to stonewall during conflicts stemmed from childhood trauma. Relentlessly bullied in secondary school, Ethan had learned to shut down emotionally to protect himself from pain and vulnerability.
What had once been a survival mechanism carried into adulthood. Whenever marital tensions stirred feelings of being attacked or overwhelmed, he would instinctively withdraw and go silent to shield himself from hurt.
“Talking about the bullying opened up a well of emotions in me,” Ethan recalled. “Back then, I struggled with thoughts like, ‘Why am I such a weakling?’ or ‘Why am I always being targeted?’”
Although Chloe had known about Ethan’s past, witnessing the emotional toll firsthand moved her to tears. Her empathy helped Ethan trust that she could hold space for him in moments of vulnerability, making him more open to sharing his emotions – such as when he feels overwhelmed and needs space. “That session showed me my wife is on my team,” Ethan reflected. “I used to think she didn’t understand me, but I realise now I never created the space for her to. Knowing that she just wants to be part of my life, I now make it a point to include her in my decision-making.”
While Ethan continues to work on staying calm and avoiding criticism or withdrawal during conflicts, he acknowledges that it’s a journey. Chloe, too, has learned to adjust. “I’ve become more patient,” she said. “If he needs space, I give it. These days, when we disagree, I’ll ask, ‘Is this a good time to talk?’ If he says no or stays quiet, I let it be instead of pushing.”
When "forever" begins to fray
Couples like Ethan and Chloe, who quietly struggle with communication breakdowns and emotional disconnection, are not uncommon.
“At FAM (MWS), some of the most common issues couples bring to marriage counselling include feeling unheard, unmet emotional or physical needs, and entrenched patterns of poor communication such as shouting, criticism, or withdrawal,” said Lee Pei Yu, Head of FAM (MWS). “Left unresolved, these conflicts may intensity over time and, in some cases, escalate into violence.”
Therapy, however, offers a way forward. Once seen as a last resort or burdened by stigma, couple counselling has become increasingly mainstream. A 2022 study, Couple Therapy in the 2020s: Current Status and Emerging Developments, highlighted three key factors driving its rise: the global prevalence of couple distress, its impact on the well-being of partners and their children, and higher expectations for relationship satisfaction. Where relational unhappiness was once tolerated, couples today are more willing to seeking help.
“When both spouses commit to the process, marriage counselling has been shown to improve communication, enhance relationship satisfaction, and reduce destructive interaction patterns like demand-withdrawal, criticism, and defensiveness,” said Pei Yu. “It helps couples rebuild emotional connection, understand each other’s needs and attachment styles, and learn concrete tools to manage conflict and change behaviours.”
A 2023 Straits Times report noted that a key reason fewer local couples who married in recent years are ending their unions is due to the growing number seeking professional help, according to marital counsellors. This trend has been attributed to the easing of stigma surrounding counselling and greater awareness of its benefits.
The danger of delaying help
Still, many couples only seek help when their relationship is on the brink. “We’ve seen many come for marriage counselling as a wake-up call after a crisis – such as an affair, a major conflict, or when divorce is on the table,” said Pei Yu. “Before that, they often don’t see the need for help, having normalised unhealthy interaction patterns or downplayed their impact. Overtime, these patterns and unmet needs build up, potentially leading to a crisis. By then, the relationship is already significantly distressed.”
Early intervention, she emphasised, makes a world of difference. “Seeking help early allows couples to address issues before they become entrenched,” she explained. “Once problems deepen, the effectiveness of counselling – and the motivation to change – can be much harder to sustain, putting the relationship at greater risk of divorce.”
In 2024, 7,382 marriages in Singapore ended in divorce or annulment – a 3.7 per cent increase from 7,118 in 2023. The largest proportion (29%) occurred between the fifth and ninth years of marriage. “This suggests that it is crucial to support marriages in the early years to build a strong foundation to withstand future challenges,” noted the Family Trends Report 2025 by the Ministry of Social and Family Development.
When parenting differences test a marriage
For Ethan and Chloe, both in their late 30s and married for nearly eight years, parenting had become a major source of strain.
For instance, when their son refused to cooperate, Chloe preferred to address it immediately, while Ethan chose to step back – a difference that often led to frustration and arguments.
The added stress of parenting also made Chloe less patient with Ethan’s tendency to stonewall.
Counselling helped them see how their reactions affected each other. They began recognising recurring patterns and learned to move from reactivity to reflection, and eventually, to problem-solving – fostering calmer, more constructive communication.
“We had such a great marriage, but when parenting came along, we weren’t ready because our foundation was weak – like a chair with a missing leg,” said Ethan. “Counselling helped us build that leg. Now, our marriage feels more stable, and whatever challenges come next, we’ll be more prepared for them.”
Growing together through change
Similarly, Ryan* and Danielle*, parents of two young children, often found themselves clashing over their differing parenting styles. Ryan described his approach as “strict, army-style discipline”, while Danielle, a kindergarten teacher, preferred “tender loving care – taking time to explain and talk things through”.
Hoping to bridge their differences, the couple joined the Prepare/Enrich Marriage Enrichment Programme run by Families for Life@Community – MWS (MWS FFLC). Conducted over three four-hour sessions, the programme is designed to help couples improve communication and deepen their emotional connection.
Through it, Ryan and Danielle learned to communicate more effectively and make joint decisions instead of acting independently.
“Recently, my wife and I discussed how to discipline our younger child when he got into trouble again at school,” Ryan shared. “I explained to my wife that not every child responds to a soft approach – our younger son needs firmer boundaries, like losing certain privilege, and we agreed that if it happens once more, he’ll spend the day confined to a space doing work. In the past, I’d act on my own or quarrel with her over how to discipline our children, but now we talk things through calmly before deciding together.”
When comfort breeds carelessness
Married for eight years, Ryan and Danielle, also realised that over time, their way of communicating had changed from “lovey-dovey” to “very direct and critical”.
“We’d grown so comfortable with each other that we stopped filtering our words, which could be very direct and sometimes hurtful,” said Danielle.
Through the programme, the couple learned that Criticism is one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” – a metaphor from the Book of Revelation adopted by the Gottman Institute to describe four destructive communication patterns: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
These patterns are harmful to relationships because they reinforce cycles of negativity and are significant predictors of divorce and separation.
Danielle recognised how her blunt or critical remarks made Ryan feel disrespected and began replacing them with “I-Statements” – a technique for expressing needs and feelings without blame or accusation.
“I used to say things like, ‘Why didn’t you do this or that?’ – for example, ‘Why didn’t you switch off the lights again?’ which sounded blaming,” she said. “Now I’d say, ‘I noticed the lights were left on’ or share how I feel instead.” Ryan added, “In the past, there were times I’d just explode when my wife spoke to me in a critical or blaming tone. But now, when I see my wife trying to be more mindful, I respond more calmly – or apologise when I’m at fault.”
Strong couples, strong families
The couple also introduced a twice-weekly “Gratitude Time” with their two children, after learning how expressing appreciation strengthens emotional bonds and encourages positive interactions.
“We sit down together to share what we appreciate about one another – thanking each other for the little things,” said Danielle. “We were surprised that the kids were even better at it than us! They gave such thoughtful thank-you messages that we’re also learning from them. Since joining the programme, it’s not just our marriage that’s been enriched, but our whole family. As we grow closer as a couple, we’re also nurturing love within our family.”
* Not their real names
* Formerly known as Strengthening Families Programme@Family Service Centre (MWS FAM@FSC)
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