Healing Broken Trust
Distrust arising from a bitter divorce eroded Dahlia’s relationship with her adolescent daughter. But with the support of MWS, the mother-daughter’s bond is now stronger than ever
When 42-year-old Dahlia* was going through divorce, things soured so badly between her and her ex-husband that it tore apart her close relationship with her 12-year-old daughter, Olivia*.
“My ex-husband spun a story about me having an affair which had caused the family to break up. My daughter believed the lie and started resenting me. Shortly after, she found out that my ex-husband is not her biological father, but that she is the child from my first marriage. That was when her resentment towards me turned into hatred,” recounted Dahlia, adding that she had intended to tell her daughter the truth about her father only when she is of a more mature age.
Olivia recalled how she had completely shut her mother out during that time. “Whenever my mother tried telling me her side of the story, I just didn’t want to listen. Our communication had broken down.”
From broken bond...
With the duo’s relationship strained by trust issues, tensions turned into explosive rows, culminating in Olivia running away from home and seeking refuge in her grandaunt’s house for months on end.
Whenever Dahlia pleaded with Olivia to return home, Olivia refused and even threatened to commit suicide. In the throes of a messy divorce while juggling a full-time career and studying for the final semester of her degree, Dahlia’s relationship rift with her daughter sunk her into deep distress.
It was during this bleak time in her life that Dahlia was referred to the Strengthening Families Programme@Family Service Centre (MWS FAM@FSC) of Methodist Welfare Services in Oct 2022, and was connected with Anny Rodjito, Lead Counsellor.
“I was very down and very broken, but Anny’s encouragement comforted me. Our sessions were healing for me. She would tell me not to give up hope and that things would get better,” shared Dahlia.
In working towards restoring Olivia and Dahlia’s broken relationship, it was vital for Anny to first build rapport with Olivia, to create a safe space for open and honest dialogue. “I also had to work at the pace that Olivia was comfortable with when it came to reconciliation with her mother,” said Anny.
Employing the strengths-based approach of narrative therapy, Anny helped shift Olivia and Dahlia’s mindsets away from their problem to consider new possibilities about their lives and the way they relate to each other.
“In a way, when someone talks about their problem, it can be inferred that the opposite is their hope. In Olivia and Dahlia’s case, narrative therapy enabled them to share what they hoped for that was missing in their relationship, and work on realising those hopes,” shared Anny.
“It broadens their perspective and widens their options in dealing with their situation. For example, with Olivia, I addressed what she hopes would happen if we had a joint counselling session with her mother and if she were to return home. We discussed why those hopes were important to her and what actions she could take to attain them, and addressed potential pitfalls that can derail her goals.”
...to relationship restored
Following several separate counselling sessions, Olivia finally agreed to meet Dahlia and subsequently, returned home after 4 months. Applying their learnings from counselling, Dahlia and Olivia changed the way they interacted with each other.
“We have a very positive relationship now that’s better than before. We learnt to listen to each other, and to give each other space when we are angry or upset,” said Olivia.
Dahlia agreed: “Anny taught me how to view things from my daughter’s perspective and how to communicate with her in a different way. I learnt not to be authoritarian and to engage in open, two-way communication with my child, and to listen to her thoughts and feelings. That has helped us to communicate better and our bond has become even closer.”
She added: “I learnt from this episode that I’d rather play the role of both a father and a mother in my daughter’s life. She’s my responsibility, and I will take good care of her because I brought her into this world.”
*Not their real names
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